UMP Orchestra Group

HeavenBornDevil · Hobbyist Joined: 06 Apr 2008 Posts: 2

We all need to cheer up a little more... So lets post all our funny stuff here...I'll start with this(not so funny though)

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the
secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.

Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work
done.

What THIS MEANS is:

The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

rowanlim · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject:

Hahahahaha...so cute & funny! Thanks for sharing! I'll get some funny stuff soon! Laughing

PS This is more suited to general chat. Heheh
_________________
~music pours on mortals her magnificent disdain~

ash · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 4:53 pm Post subject:

Haha...yea funny funny... Laughing

_________________
ash_ash

rowanlim

Hehe here's a cute joke, hope you guys will like it!

Alberto · Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:40 am Post subject: I find this funny... hehehe

Guys vs. Men

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.

Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Men: start their own businesses.
Guys: quit their jobs.

Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones.
Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.

Men: order wine based on more than the price.
Guys: bring their own beer.
_________________
Life is great sometimes...
http://alz_teachingz.blogs.friendster.com/words_from_the_wise/

rowanlim · Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 8:57 am Post subject:

Hahahahah that's funny hehehe Laughing

_________________
~music pours on mortals her magnificent disdain~

Alberto · Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 9:22 am Post subject:

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You Too Can Do Housework

3. PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")

8. Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An ***hole When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. How To Stay Awake After Sex

16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The Bathroom

17. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

18. A. You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try
B. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold Shower

19. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please

20. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No It's Not A Bidet")

21. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often bull****

22. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

23. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex

25. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

26. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

27. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

29. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

30. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

31. You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

32. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!

33. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary

34. Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary

35. You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life Crisis

36. How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil Too

3. PMS - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

13. You, The Whining Sex

14. Reasons To Give Head To Your Man

15. How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes

16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company

17. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

18. A. You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep
B. It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom

19. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

20. How To Close The Garage Door

21. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

22. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

23. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

24. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

25. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

26. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

27. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

28. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

29. You Too Can Carry A Backpack

30. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most

31. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

32. Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain

33. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving

34. Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

35. How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause

36. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
_________________
Life is great sometimes...
http://alz_teachingz.blogs.friendster.com/words_from_the_wise/

rowanlim · Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 9:52 am Post subject:

Hahahahaha...Where on earth do you get these jokes from? Hehehe Laughing

_________________
~music pours on mortals her magnificent disdain~

Alberto · Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject:

A Chemical Analysis of a MAN

Element : Man
Symbol : Gy

Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.

Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)

Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :

1. Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.

2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.

3. Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).

4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.

5. Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).

6. Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.

7. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.

8. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.

9. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.

10. When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :

1. All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.

2. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.

3. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.

4. Usually willing to react with whatever is available.

5. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.

6. Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.

7. When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.

8. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.

9. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.

10. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses :

* Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...

* Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests : Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

A Chemical Analysis of a Woman

Element : Woman
Symbol : wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 280

Discoverer : Adam

Occurrence : Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).

Physical properties :

1. Surface usually covered with painted film.

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.

5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical properties :

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones.

2. May explode spontaneously if left alone.

3. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain amount of increased activity when saturated with alcohol.

5. Repels cheap material, neutral to common sense.

6. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

Uses :

1. Highly ornamental, esp. in sports cars.

2. Can greatly improve relaxation levels.

3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.

4. Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.

2. Illegal to posses more than one. (Dangerous also.)

http://www.humorshack.com
_________________
Life is great sometimes...
http://alz_teachingz.blogs.friendster.com/words_from_the_wise/

rowanlim · Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject:

Hahaha that's funny! Turns green when put beside a better specimen...Hahaha Laughing

Thanks for sharing! Razz

_________________
~music pours on mortals her magnificent disdain~

jingkling · Hobbyist Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 35

Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Everytime
Wife replies," No, It means ,
With Idiot For Ever !!!"

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
Bcoz people started licking the wrong side.

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs??
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How urs look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36,
Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt urs?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find urs!!

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, im confident. ur friend also my son, that's confidential!

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this right time we shud talk abt sex.
Daughter: Sure mom, tell me wat u want to know.
Mom:##??!!

Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the ninth time?
Sardar: Wat to do yaar, my wife still keep getting pregnant.

jingkling · Hobbyist Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 35

-If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!

-To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

-If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

-Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

-To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

-To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

-To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

-If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

-When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

-You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your boot diskette to recover from a crash.

-We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

-To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

-Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

-To undo a mistake, click on "back".

-Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

-If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

jingkling · Hobbyist Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 35

A mechanical, electrical and a software engineer from Microsoft were driving through the desert when the car broke down. The mechanical engineer said "It seems to be a problem with the fuel injection system, why don't we pop the hood and I'll take a look at it." To which the electrical engineer replied, "No I think it's just a loose ground wire. I'll get out and take a look." Then, the Microsoft engineer jumps in. "No, no, no. If we just close up all the windows, get out, wait a few minutes, get back in, and then reopen the windows everything will work fine."

rowanlim · Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 5:27 pm Post subject:

^Hahahaha if only life was this easy :p Nice jokes jingkling!! Thanks for sharing! Wink

_________________
~music pours on mortals her magnificent disdain~

jingkling · Hobbyist Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 35

Stress Reliever #1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or

troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 6
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever #
7
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 8
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 9
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 10
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are
sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 11
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the
U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 12
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of
humour.

________________________________________________________________________
Stress Reliever # 13
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are
you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you
said three males a day.